[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
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me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
What about a To-Don’t List?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”