[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
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Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog