Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.