Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?