Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Science memes

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.