Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can. I. Help. You.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic