Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.