Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

OH. COME. ON.

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL