Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

Breaking news:

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube