Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal question. #JustSaying

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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