Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

just arby’s bein’ a bro