Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

same bro

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?