Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

[ SEXT ]

Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?

Her: Footed pajamas

M: …

H: …

M: …

H: …

M: K, gnight

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”