Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do