Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.