[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Today I’m going to give it my almost
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
