Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.