Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.