*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
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if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5