*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Snapes on a plane.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Strangers have the best candy.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.