*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
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Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.