Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

How does one answer this?

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.