Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.