Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

The Book. The Movie.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

I think this cat is broken

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.