Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Schrödinger’s cookie

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

Current mood: Potato

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket