Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Haha good job!!

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?