Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
You Might Also Like
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.