Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*