[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
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Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
