[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
You Might Also Like
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
john wicks are toilet candles
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?