Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back

Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later

Me: Perfect, send it

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

You had me at “define legal”.

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.