[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
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The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
ugh not again
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.