Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes