Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]