Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

The opposite of goth is stopth.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.