Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

oppen heimer style lol

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FMXo9beX0AoVx_N.mp4

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making