Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

sistine chapel

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do