Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit