Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?