Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit