Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

Ron is short for Aaronald

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

🫶

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.