[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
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“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Sheep
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
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“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Nice try, NASA
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“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
welp
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It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks![]()
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I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.