Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

That took me a moment.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey