[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
The human personality is made of five key elements
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly