Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

felt that

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted