Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Worst Native American name ever.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”