“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
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The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God