Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
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There is no “we” in pizza
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.