Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!