Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
thank god the sign was there
