Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Its true…
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.