Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”