Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.