Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness