Phones down.
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Cat is stressing him out.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail