Phones down.
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]