Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
You Might Also Like
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again