Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
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*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I think my mom just blocked me
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.