Phonetics
You Might Also Like
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
so, is there a mister shapen head
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR