Phonetics
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
