Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Thank you corporation very cool

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

“you recording!?”

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?