Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

I cannot call her anything else now

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.