Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes