Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”