Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)