[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
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There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me before I type out affect or effect
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].