[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
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I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!