[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
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My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.