[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams