Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.