Photobombing Giraffe 😅
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Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”