Photobombing Giraffe 😅
You Might Also Like
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*